“Guys, guys. Do we HAVE to call ourselves Suicide Squad? It's just kind of self-defeating.”

Not all of your haters are wrong.

I only follow tens of thousands of people so that the people I don't follow can wonder why I'm not following them.

Maybe friends are just the collusion we make along the way...

Nothing says spontaneous outpouring of love like being forced to attend.

[cornered in an ally by a gang of wooden boards]

ME: Karate class, don't fail me now.

There are some people you meet where you just know they are saying "lose" but spelling it "loose" in their heads.

Luck be a lady. But not tonight. I'm busy.

🎵some woman, some cry...

Jamie Spears will be long gone by the time you read this, with suitcases full of bearer bonds. Because any accounting of what he did to Britney's fortune is big trouble for dad.

Wait, are emojis admissible in court?

If the roles were reversed (i.e. if conservatives were pro-vaccine and pro-mask, and liberals were anti-), imagine the lengths conservatives would go to… there would be fines, stripping of rights, and other punitive measures for anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers.