Life cycle of a modern day relationship:
She was on Instagram. He was on Twitter. They met on LinkedIn. She put up an eHarmony profile. He changed his avi to a monkey riding a dog. She texted 😬. They blocked each other.
Life cycle of a modern day relationship:
She was on Instagram. He was on Twitter. They met on LinkedIn. She put up an eHarmony profile. He changed his avi to a monkey riding a dog. She texted 😬. They blocked each other.
Jobs with highest mortality rates (2021):
1. Grizzly bear nap-waker-upper
2. Consumer products tester, Bathtub Toaster Division
3. Conservative radio talk show host ...read more
Please do not abbreviate names of places in conversations until there is universal agreement on the abbreviation.
“I'm headed over to TJ's.”
“What the hell is that?”
“Trader Joe's.” ...read more
THEM: Check out my new watch.
ME: So what are you looking for? Do you wanna pawn it? Do you wanna sell it?
THEM: Have you been watching "Pawn Stars" again?
ME: Before I answer, let me bring in my watch guy. ...read more
Whoever keeps saying, “What's the worst that can happen?,” PLEASE STOP. It's not funny anymore.
Just saw my life coach fight a pigeon for a piece of chewed gum.
You knew this country hated its children since it was ok to shoot up schools. Stop acting surprised.
The average number of times a day I have to tell someone on the internet not to fall in love with me is three.
Not condemning murder is advocating for murder. Thanks.
[pounding on door]
POLICE: OPEN UP! WE HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST!
ME: Wait, did you say Warrant is under arrest? Is it because of the song Cherry Pie?
POLICE: NO! THAT WAS A SOLID TUNE ALTHOUGH SOMEWHAT DATED IN RETROSPECT! ...read more
To people who start @ replies “You forgot...”:
I forget nothing. It's a curse.
Street drummers?
You bet your ass I want a migraine as I wait to cross the street!