I cared more about the characters in "American Vandal" than I do about my own family.

Force me to quote tweet like one of your French apps.

The best thing about not being in elementary school is that I can bring peanuts anywhere I fucking well please.

Internet:

Please put “Smooth Criminal” or “Achey Breaky Heart” behind the spastic dancing video. Thanks.

My top elaborate sting operations:

- Who Took My Highlighter?
- Who Ate My Pretzels?
- Whose Baby Is This? ...read more

That skateboard/Fleetwood Mac dude will never get a UTI, that's for sure.

We're all in this together. Which really sucks.

“You're awesome” is always an acceptable comment.

Sexy up your bottomless pit by making it topless as well.

Nothing makes me hungrier than the eating.

Right now is like the truth, but opposite

My karaoke prowess spans four continents and one ocean.