If loving you is wrong, then I hate you.

It's good when different people ask you “Hey, are you ok?” a few times a day, right? Right???

[internet date meet-up]

HIM: Hi, nice to meet you.

HER: Likewise. Who is this?

HIM: Oh, this is my tattoo artist. He's going to tattoo your name on my arm while we have dinner. Your profile said you were only interested if the guy was really serious. ...read more

A lot goes through my head when the phone rings. But never once do I consider answering it.

Hats, ranked by whether I predict the wearer will be annoying:

1. Bowler
2. Every other hat

I saw a woman with red hair wearing a bowler hat and riding a razor scooter to work today, if you're still unconvinced this is the end.

Reminder that the number of breakthrough COVID cases for people fully vaccinated is tiny, and the number of hospitalizations due to breakthrough COVID cases for people fully vaccinated is minuscule.

Who is your Madonna?

Mine is “Express Yourself” Madonna.

Harambe is watching...

That Virgin guy better get a hundred year old into space soon or he's gonna lose.

Ever hide snacks from yourself and if so what's the logic there?

I am currently hiring. Looking for 3-5 younger versions of me who have not yet become irreversibly bitter and cynical. References a must.