Visiting Florida. Guess I sell meth now.

I just hope what we have isn't real.

I wish I could walk around with my face pixelated.

I try to forget one new thing every day.

Lifetime appointments are ridiculous, in any field of endeavor.

When do pitchers and catchers report?

<calls someone up from a dinner party three years ago>

“Hey. I wanted to let you know I just got your joke. Good one.”

* click * ...read more

Believe in yourself, starting with believing how much you suck.

HEY BRUNCH, PICK A SIDE

Sorry I yawned during your breakup story.

When I see a guy with white hair in his beard, but none on his head, I think, “Man, that beard must have seen some shit.”

Very low sales of my Needleless Halloween Candy™️